The Wonders of a Good Experience

Where do I begin, to tell the story of how great my life is?  Yes my friends I’ve adapted a phrase from the theme from Love Story to fit my purpose.  My journey has commenced more quickly than I imagined.  Wait, that statement is disingenuous because I didn’t imagine the journey; the journey enticed me.  I had no idea what to expect.  Heeding the advice of a heart friend I opened myself to the universe.  My wonderful friend you know who you are.  Thank you for encouraging me.

I planned to begin the revelation of my true self to those most important to me.  This is not necessarily in line with blood relations.  Why? You may ask?  Because contrary to popular belief, not all blood is the same consistency or the same color nor does all blood carry the same life sustaining nutrients.  No, this is not a biology lesson.  It is a life lesson.

Breakfast this morning (Sunday September 20, 2015) with my brother closest in age left the hours prior to the meeting filled with thoughts coursing through my conscious as I tried to corral them and place them in order.  Sitting the restaurant waiting for his arrival gave me precious time to congeal what I had culled and sorted into a cohesive conversation starter.

Seeing him enter the lobby of the diner my heart climbed to my throat.  Forcing myself to relax I watched as he approached the table.  We smiled. I extended my hand – a silly gesture.  Brothers don’t shake, brothers hug!  Open arms welcomed me.  We hadn’t seen each other since the winter holidays.  Yes I know not a lasting legacy to familial relationship building.  I allowed life to get in the way.  After today’s inflection point I would either perpetuate the distance or close the gap considerably.

I started with the stock questions; how’s the family?  Tell me about the kids, which he did.  So far so good.  Next topic was the political process and any interest he might have.  We discussed candidates and he was surprised to find we shared the same political thoughts.  Okay, I’m relaxing and easing into what I hope will be a smooth segue into the topic most important to me.

What’s your take on the Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner matter?  His response was unexpectedly positive.  He and his wife teach broad and unqualified acceptance.  He proceeded to explain how they nurture positivity in dealing with others regardless of race, color, creed, sexual orientation, etc.  As he spoke I interjected a few compliments for their progressive and healthy approach to child rearing. 

“How are things going with you?”  He asked.  I informed of things on the professional side, which always intrigued and impressed him.  Okay, I’m girding to state my case.  I start by saying “I’m experiencing changes in my life and I want to talk with you about them.  I need to know I can trust your confidence before I tell you anything more.”  His expression turns tentative as he breaks from eating and settles uncomfortably back in to his chair.

“You’re scaring me.” He replies. “What’s going on in your life? And what does confidence mean?  I share everything with my wife (he used her first name) and she won’t tell anybody what I share with her.”  I think about this for a moment and explain what I expect.  Then his expression shifts to sudden awareness.  He leans forward and touches my forearm.  “You’re gay and that’s okay, my oldest son’s best friend is gay and we’re totally cool with that.”  It’s my turn to smile.  “I’m not gay, although there’s nothing wrong with that.  I’m transgender and I’m in active transition.”

Leaning back in the chair again his complexion whitens.  “That came from left field.  I wasn’t expecting that!”  I give him a moment to catch his breath before continuing.  “I’ll answer whatever questions you have.”  I offer.  I won’t clutter this post with the back and forth. 

We discuss for twenty minutes during which I share pictures.  He is very complimentary.  The conversation is less intense than I expected.  After settling the check I suggest we take the conversation to the parking lot.  Outside he hugs me and says “I love you and no matter what I will always love you.”  He asks how long my male side will be around.  I tell him probably not a year from now.  He informs of a school graduation next year and if I would come or feel uncomfortable.  I assure him that I will gladly attend in whatever physical presence I am in at the time.  I ask if that would be a problem.  He assures me no worries.  The meeting ends with him wanting to meet Nikki and for his wife to come along.  I smiled, fighting tears of joy as I agreed that I would be happy to get together whenever they are available and to talk for as long as they want and to answer all questions on the topic.  He says when I'm in my boy facade he will call me Nikki when we are not in public and use my male name when in public.  I smile and thank him for being considerate of my feelings.

The ride home was almost a magic carpet ride.  I didn’t sleep much the night before.  I made a half-hearted attempt at taking a nap but my mind was spinning with prose to document my fifth disclosure success.  So I offer this post as inspiration for all who are trekking this road and wish you the same unconditional acceptance as I have experienced.  I will repeat the maxim that you reap what you sow.  When you care about people they generally return that caring with understanding.  You never know when you will need it.  But it is always good to build strong bridges that won’t be shaken by crosswinds.

On to the next milepost.  My emotional tanks are filled to overflowing after crying out the remnants of worry that needed to be evacuated.  I am happier by the day and I look forward to learning from you who precede me and hopefully encouraging those who follow.

Love and hugs, Nikki DiCaro

Life Unfolding

Detail, details… always the details.  Devilish as they can be, details can shed precious luminescence on obscure situations.  Coming off a situation where things were less than clear I need transparency to be able to process.  I’ve never been one of those “just wing it” types.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Easing off the gas pedal is helpful sometimes.  I’m learning how to do that.  Typically high speed, low drag I’m applying the brakes on certain situations for various reasons.

The first and possibly the most important is providing the ability to enjoy what is unfolding.  Things would be sad if I missed an opportunity to savor every nuance of life.  Where and I going in a hurry?  Sure I want to get to the next milepost but not if everything between here and there is a blur.

I’m sure you’ve had experiences that you can’t remember.  Twinges of regret insinuate into my psyche when that happens.  No matter the imagined distance to the next weigh station why forsake the ability to absorb, process and hopefully learn?

Reflecting on how far I’ve come I marvel each time at the changes I’m experiencing.  They seemed subtle until I began to calibrate.  That’s when I understand the wonders of this amazing and almost inexplicable transformation.  And I can recall most every pratfall, each bead of perspiration that threatened to streak meticulously applied makeup.  Those events are less frequent now.  Oh there are other “things” that crop up from time to time giving pause and requiring a bit of fortitude to address.

More grist for my mill as the millstone slowly grinds the raw material into finished goods.  Not every experience is as high impact.  Regardless these happenings are every bit a part of me as the elation I’ve shared with you many times.  Taking the good with the bad has never been one of my strong suits.  I am learning how to deal; to grow an emotional outer layer that is becoming more and more adept at repelling the unwanted, the unwelcome or the unsavory potentially negative eventualities.

Tears help; I do that more frequently and unabashedly.  Emotion is my friend; stepping into a situation that needs a good cry to break the tension.  That’s one of the byproducts I have begun to appreciate.

Every day is a learning experience – an opportunity to express myself in new and wonderful ways.

I hope you are enjoying your life.  It’s the only life you have so make the most of every moment lest it passes unnoticed into the past without possibility of recollection.

Wishing you a wonderful weekend, I am Nikki DiCaro. 

No Challenge Too Formidable

Days come and days go.  Yesterday delivered an emotional roller coaster making me wonder if professional trust was misplaced.  I am celebrating my third anniversary at this organization; all in highly influential and mentorship positions.  I’ve made it a point to develop a knowledge transfer program; teaching my skills to those with the bandwidth to accept increasing responsibilities as I transform the organization from a sleepy not-for-profit collective of disconnected interests into a business that melds research, dissemination and impact.

I have a recently retired executive on retainer for the balance of the year; a way of giving a long-term employee the opportunity to wind down slowly and gracefully.  I’m the type that gives wide latitude to those who enter my life believing until proven wrong that people are altruistic.  In this instance the iron fisted over bearing and controlling style of this person although melting away is still evident in the change in temperature in the organization when she is on premises one day per week.

I won’t bore you with the details but I’m always amazed by how people with little frame of reference search for a thread of imperfection to justify pulling the entire blanket apart.  After a long night of discussions with trusted advisors I concluded to construct objective measurements to overcome the regression that occurred.  You know me; my transmission does not have ‘reverse’ gear.  So we develop a constructive solution and then proceed to implement.

That was the climb to the summit.  The thrilling drop, the adrenaline rush, was fueled by my initial evaluation at a transgender speech therapy clinic; the front end of a semester-long course to create my feminine voice.  The trainer, a male, and an observer, a female, were gracious.  After the initial discomfort of identifying myself with my real name (my feminine name) and signing attendance sheets and profile forms as Nikki DiCaro I realized again how “real” I am.  I do wonder but those times are fewer and less frequent as I traverse the public experience.

After the first session I was filled to overflowing with pride and joy; another big step forward in my transition.  Every exercise, every action, every relationship, that builds upon my foundation is another degree of separation between my former world and my current world.

To magnify how much I’m in the feminine world I was directed to the waiting room.  When I entered one of my girlfriends, also in active and progressive transition, was sitting and waiting.  She was the one who introduced me to this course.  I greeted her oblivious that I was in my boy costume.  She flashed a look of uncertainty and skepticism.  As she extended her hand from the sitting position I smiled and said “girlfriends don’t shake hands, we hug!”  I think she realized who I was.  That’s when I realized she had not seen me this way – another teachable moment for this girl.

We chatted until I was summoned by my instructor and the session took me to new emotional heights.  Sharing experiences at a personal level is therapeutic for me and I trust for others as well.  I am truly blessed.  No challenge will ever be too formidable to overcome; I won’t allow it.  Yes, I may have to summon strength reserves to prevail but those reserves will be replenished long before the next time they are required to turbo charge.

Have a wonderfully fulfilling day.

Love and hugs, Nikki DiCaro 

When Book Intelligence Overrides Common Sense

Sometimes book intelligence trumps common sense.  I don’t understand how long time colleagues (well-educated people with 30+ years of collaboration) can turn collegiality into animosity and betrayal.  I’m flummoxed by what has transpired during the past forty-eight hours.  A very close friend and consummate professional has been the object of a guerrilla attack upon his character.  This to a man who has the respect of high profile international leaders and other lesser lights with whom the person has collaborated; much to the other party’s financial and reputational benefit.

I don’t know what’s gotten into the water; how something functional can turn dysfunctional.  There are few things more despicable than character assassination.  I’m sure you’ve experienced similar to what I describe.  If you haven’t you are fortunate.  It’s paramount to be forthright.  If you have a problem with someone you can either talk with them or discuss it privately with your closest friends if you feel uncomfortable approaching the subject of your concern.

Taking the problem public is akin to fifteenth century public flogging except in this instance the whip is replaced by sharp tongue and raw back is replaced by shredded emotions.  How do we maintain semblance of order and respect in the face of lower interaction quotient?  How do we restrain the gossip hounds and the cancerous persons who infect everything they touch?

If you’re like me (heaven help you!) you attempt to play things honestly and righteously; not self-righteously.  We have to persevere amid turmoil as we manage fallout from the nuclear option.  I want to upbraid the culprits but they are too far gone to save.  I’ve dealt with them and their conniving and Machiavellian ways.   There’s no reprieve nor pardon.  The destruction they leave in their wake goes unnoticed.  Sadly they will move on to the next situation they desire to turn to their benefit at the expense of others.

I know this is not the daily uplifting missive but sometimes laying a problem on the table is the only way to get past it.  I appreciate your indulgence as I navigate these jesters and pretenders to provide whatever emotional support I can offer to my wounded colleague.

I wish you a day devoid of drama and pain.  May you don the Teflon robe of protection that provides easy escape from even the stickiest situations.

Love and hugs, Nikki DiCaro

Good News is Always Welcome

Good news is always welcome.  DUH, right!!! Not one to try to grow confidence on the rocks of uncertainty I continue to till and fertilize before planting seeds of femininity in the garden of my friends and colleagues. I’m enjoying the early phases of disclosure to trusted friends.

These wonderful people are trusted friends because I was fortunate enough to build working relationships and personal friendships with them throughout my career.  You can tell good people without much effort.  And good people rarely deliver unpleasant surprises.  Bonds transcend the bumps and potholes that emerge on your road.  Life wouldn’t be reality if we didn’t have these challenges.

Not to belabor a point but everything we do and say either lays foundation for the road we are building or tears asunder any underpinning.  Each step brings trepidation as well as confidence.  Don’t mistake my successes for anything other than results based upon efforts over time.

I know the time is right to disclose when I feel peace surrounding and embracing me.

“What does peace feel like Nikki?”

My corollary is standing outside during a snowfall.  Not a blizzard but quiet and steady precipitation.  Have you experienced it?  I can recall the last snowfall.  I yearned to stand with my eyes closed as flakes fell softly; whispering their silent message.  That’s the feeling that embraced me with every revelation.  Today’s was awesome and educational.

My friend and business associate of thirty years congratulated for my courage.  Yes we are all courageous for deciding to live the life we yearn to enjoy.  As he opened up he informed that is daughter is involved with and is a strong supporter of transgenders.  As the statement registered I could not help but feel a sense of pride as he described his daughter’s unwavering determination to enlighten the uninformed.

Pride radiated from him; this man who has experienced his share of personal pain.  Everyone deserves the right to respect and dignity.  One by one we will garner it.  If you remember that we are not trying to pull people from the extremes – we don’t need to waste energy on those who are deaf, dumb and blind to equality.  Let’s focus on keeping those on our side of the fence firmly in our garden and also to encourage those on the fence to join us.  The remainder who stand with roots firmly imbedded on the other side of fence will become less and less relevant.

Thanks for sharing my joyous news.  I Look forward to hearing of your successes and celebrating the wonders of femininity that rise on our horizon like the warm sun of an early summer’s day.

Love and hugs, Nikki DiCaro 

Everyday Learning

Low impact weekends are wonderful when kicking back and relaxation is the order of the day.  One of those weekends sauntered into my life the weekend most recently past.  I forgot how calming a trip to an art museum could be.  Seeing renderings and interpretations of life sometimes in subtle depictions and other times in stark and garish presentations remind me that life comes in many shades, colors, hues, sights and sounds.

I enjoy learning how to expand the horizon of understanding.  People express, sometimes overexpressing to either satisfy a craving, a need or a [fill in the blank].  This column is not a justification of anyone’s acts or actions. Far be it for me to reach into that netherworld of the unexplainable.  Besides, when you delve into such topics the reaction may be less than savory.  People do things for reasons, the logic of which may escape.

Decide whether it is necessary for you to expend energy to understand.  If so, by all means pursue what aches to be answered.  Be prepared for responses that won’t fit into your neat little orderly world.

“Do you think our world is orderly Nikki?”

Maybe not.  Order, like beauty and other things, rests in optic interpretation.  I don’t expect everything to fit neatly; no compartments prelabeled or prenumbered.  Lest you misinterpret my message, flexibility is important but is not always required.  You view, absorb and process.  You may file the information.  The revelation may broaden the horizon or it may create a delimiter.  In some instances it may cause an adverse reaction akin to ‘I didn’t know that was going on in our community’ or ‘I didn’t expect that type of reaction from the millennial generation’.

I’m pretty open-minded.  Yes that’s stating the obvious but my mind can only absorb so much; there are limits.  When capacity is achieved I don’t attempt to process.  This weekend pushed my solid-state hard drive beyond storage capacity.  A few times I erected the deflector shield and reflected back to the originator a look of disdain or destructive humor.  Maybe you’ve experienced the stares and snide comments.  Yes I know I’m supposed to ignore.  Something inside, my protective streak, makes me want to push back then I remind myself that those residing in narrow-minded land are not the ones who matter.  By engaging I give them relevance.

You who are stronger and don’t pay any mind to these instances are helping me to turn off those sensitivities.  That was one of the takeaways for me as I watched my two friends living with nary a concern for those on the fringes of consciousness.

Every encounter, every experience, every moment with good friends teaches me something valuable.

I wish you a day of wonder and revelation.

Love and hugs, Nikki Di Caro

How to Love without Pretention

I cry more these days.  Some may ascribe it to hormonal changes.  These tiny marvels of femininity are transforming me.  But no they are not the main cause; they are an accelerator.  I’ve always been emotional – isn’t that the politically incorrect description for males who have feminine tendencies such as tears?

I cry as a sign of my passion for life.  Sometimes the drive and desire for my true being to project full-time overwhelms and I can’t restrain the need to let the feelings pour out of me like the rapids in a swollen river.

Tears make me stronger – they do not weaken me.  I am discovering myself every day, a new and exciting person was shackled and sequestered for too long.  The Countess of Monte Cristo comes to mind (Yes I know I feminized but I do have poetic license – honestly I just had my license renewed!).

I hid, unsuccessfully, behind the façade of convention.  No more my friends, no more.  I have pride and experience joy every day over my newly acquired freedom.  I give myself kudos for surviving this long without all of the marbles slipping through the loosening knot on my marble bag.

And lest I be short-sighted, I want to thank the love in my life.  She inspires, supports, encourages and loves me for who I am with no pretention or conditions.  My closest friends to whom I bear my heart and rend my soul continue to encourage me through their sisterly love and affection.

Life is meant to be lived.  I encourage you, within whatever constraints exist in your world, to live.  You deserve it.  Every passing day in the shadows is one less day to enjoy the liberation, the joy and completeness.

I love my life.  Let me know how I can help you to love yours.

Love and hugs, Nikki DiCaro