Days come and days go. Yesterday delivered an emotional roller
coaster making me wonder if professional trust was misplaced. I am celebrating my third anniversary at this
organization; all in highly influential and mentorship positions. I’ve made it a point to develop a knowledge
transfer program; teaching my skills to those with the bandwidth to accept
increasing responsibilities as I transform the organization from a sleepy
not-for-profit collective of disconnected interests into a business that melds research,
dissemination and impact.
I have a recently retired executive
on retainer for the balance of the year; a way of giving a long-term employee
the opportunity to wind down slowly and gracefully. I’m the type that gives wide latitude to
those who enter my life believing until proven wrong that people are
altruistic. In this instance the iron
fisted over bearing and controlling style of this person although melting away
is still evident in the change in temperature in the organization when she is
on premises one day per week.
I won’t bore you with the details
but I’m always amazed by how people with little frame of reference search for a
thread of imperfection to justify pulling the entire blanket apart. After a long night of discussions with
trusted advisors I concluded to construct objective measurements to overcome
the regression that occurred. You know
me; my transmission does not have ‘reverse’ gear. So we develop a constructive solution and
then proceed to implement.
That was the climb to the summit. The thrilling drop, the adrenaline rush, was
fueled by my initial evaluation at a transgender speech therapy clinic; the
front end of a semester-long course to create my feminine voice. The trainer, a male, and an observer, a
female, were gracious. After the initial
discomfort of identifying myself with my real name (my feminine name) and
signing attendance sheets and profile forms as Nikki DiCaro I realized again
how “real” I am. I do wonder but those
times are fewer and less frequent as I traverse the public experience.
After the first session I was
filled to overflowing with pride and joy; another big step forward in my
transition. Every exercise, every
action, every relationship, that builds upon my foundation is another degree of
separation between my former world and my current world.
To magnify how much I’m in the
feminine world I was directed to the waiting room. When I entered one of my girlfriends, also in
active and progressive transition, was sitting and waiting. She was the one who introduced me to this
course. I greeted her oblivious that I
was in my boy costume. She flashed a
look of uncertainty and skepticism. As
she extended her hand from the sitting position I smiled and said “girlfriends
don’t shake hands, we hug!” I think she
realized who I was. That’s when I
realized she had not seen me this way – another teachable moment for this girl.
We chatted until I was summoned by
my instructor and the session took me to new emotional heights. Sharing experiences at a personal level is
therapeutic for me and I trust for others as well. I am truly blessed. No challenge will ever be too formidable to
overcome; I won’t allow it. Yes, I may
have to summon strength reserves to prevail but those reserves will be
replenished long before the next time they are required to turbo charge.
Have a wonderfully fulfilling day.
Love and hugs, Nikki DiCaro
No comments:
Post a Comment