Where do I begin, to tell the story
of how great my life is? Yes my friends
I’ve adapted a phrase from the theme from Love Story to fit my purpose. My journey has commenced more quickly than I
imagined. Wait, that statement is disingenuous
because I didn’t imagine the journey; the journey enticed me. I had no idea what to expect. Heeding the advice of a heart friend I opened
myself to the universe. My wonderful
friend you know who you are. Thank you
for encouraging me.
I planned to begin the revelation
of my true self to those most important to me.
This is not necessarily in line with blood relations. Why? You may ask? Because contrary to popular belief, not all
blood is the same consistency or the same color nor does all blood carry the
same life sustaining nutrients. No, this
is not a biology lesson. It is a life
lesson.
Breakfast this morning (Sunday
September 20, 2015) with my brother closest in age left the hours prior to the
meeting filled with thoughts coursing through my conscious as I tried to corral
them and place them in order. Sitting
the restaurant waiting for his arrival gave me precious time to congeal what I
had culled and sorted into a cohesive conversation starter.
Seeing him enter the lobby of the
diner my heart climbed to my throat.
Forcing myself to relax I watched as he approached the table. We smiled. I extended my hand – a silly
gesture. Brothers don’t shake, brothers
hug! Open arms welcomed me. We hadn’t seen each other since the winter
holidays. Yes I know not a lasting
legacy to familial relationship building.
I allowed life to get in the way.
After today’s inflection point I would either perpetuate the distance or
close the gap considerably.
I started with the stock questions;
how’s the family? Tell me about the
kids, which he did. So far so good. Next topic was the political process and any
interest he might have. We discussed
candidates and he was surprised to find we shared the same political
thoughts. Okay, I’m relaxing and easing
into what I hope will be a smooth segue into the topic most important to me.
What’s your take on the
Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner matter? His
response was unexpectedly positive. He
and his wife teach broad and unqualified acceptance. He proceeded to explain how they nurture
positivity in dealing with others regardless of race, color, creed, sexual
orientation, etc. As he spoke I
interjected a few compliments for their progressive and healthy approach to
child rearing.
“How are things going with
you?” He asked. I informed of things on the professional
side, which always intrigued and impressed him.
Okay, I’m girding to state my case.
I start by saying “I’m experiencing changes in my life and I want to
talk with you about them. I need to know
I can trust your confidence before I tell you anything more.” His expression turns tentative as he breaks
from eating and settles uncomfortably back in to his chair.
“You’re scaring me.” He replies.
“What’s going on in your life? And what does confidence mean? I share everything with my wife (he used her
first name) and she won’t tell anybody what I share with her.” I think about this for a moment and explain
what I expect. Then his expression
shifts to sudden awareness. He leans
forward and touches my forearm. “You’re
gay and that’s okay, my oldest son’s best friend is gay and we’re totally cool
with that.” It’s my turn to smile. “I’m not gay, although there’s nothing wrong
with that. I’m transgender and I’m in
active transition.”
Leaning back in the chair again his
complexion whitens. “That came from left
field. I wasn’t expecting that!” I give him a moment to catch his breath
before continuing. “I’ll answer whatever
questions you have.” I offer. I won’t clutter this post with the back and
forth.
We discuss for twenty minutes
during which I share pictures. He is
very complimentary. The conversation is
less intense than I expected. After
settling the check I suggest we take the conversation to the parking lot. Outside he hugs me and says “I love you and
no matter what I will always love you.”
He asks how long my male side will be around. I tell him probably not a year from now. He informs of a school graduation next year
and if I would come or feel uncomfortable.
I assure him that I will gladly attend in whatever physical presence I
am in at the time. I ask if that would
be a problem. He assures me no
worries. The meeting ends with him
wanting to meet Nikki and for his wife to come along. I smiled, fighting tears of joy as I agreed
that I would be happy to get together whenever they are available and to talk
for as long as they want and to answer all questions on the topic. He says when I'm in my boy facade he will call me Nikki when we are not in public and use my male name when in public. I smile and thank him for being considerate of my feelings.
The ride home was almost a magic
carpet ride. I didn’t sleep much the
night before. I made a half-hearted
attempt at taking a nap but my mind was spinning with prose to document my fifth
disclosure success. So I offer this post
as inspiration for all who are trekking this road and wish you the same
unconditional acceptance as I have experienced.
I will repeat the maxim that you reap what you sow. When you care about people they generally
return that caring with understanding.
You never know when you will need it.
But it is always good to build strong bridges that won’t be shaken by
crosswinds.
On to the next milepost. My emotional tanks are filled to overflowing
after crying out the remnants of worry that needed to be evacuated. I am happier by the day and I look forward to
learning from you who precede me and hopefully encouraging those who follow.
Love and hugs, Nikki DiCaro
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