Support Groups and Coming Out

“One flight down, there’s a song on low.  And you might have picked up on the sound.”  Words from the song “One Flight Down” performed by Nora Jones.  For so long that song on low played and I ignored it.  How could I recognize it when I was busy denying that my version of life was playing to the tune of femininity? 

Time is our friend and our foe; peeling pages from the calendar as we either flourish or founder.  Time heals and also teaches.   I have been anxious about moving forward with my transition.  I’m not talking about SRS.  That seems to be the first paragraph of many people’s questions.  Will I “do” the surgery?  My stock answer is “There’s much air between here and there.”  My transition is occurring in phases: 

Phase One is acknowledging Nikki. 

Phase Two is giving Nikki time.

Phase Three is expelling denial.

Phase Four is coming to the realization that Nikki is me.  This phase, although seemingly duplicative of Phase Three, is different if only by a degree or two.

Phase Five and following involve the coming out.  Somewhere down the road is SRS, presuming it’s in the cards.

I post the various phases to indicate my walk.  Your walk may be similar or it may be markedly different.  There is no correct path.  But consistent with all walks is the essential want and need of warm, supportive, honest and welcoming friends.  Without the infrastructure of confidants, advisors and mentors the path becomes steeper and more treacherous.

My friends are wonderful.  I consider them my real family.  Sure, I have blood relatives.  Some are accepting and understanding.  Others are empathetic bordering on pity.  Still others are dismissive, wanting nothing to do with my folly.  Regardless, the journey must progress lest I become complacent and regress to the sticky surfaces of regret.

Nobody but close and trusted friends who are similarly situated can faithfully walk with you and help you through the many turnstiles and tollgates.  I have struggles; low points.  But they are becoming fewer and the separation growing.  High points, not euphoria but true “life highs” affirm my decisions, my path.  Acceptance comes in many forms such as, being called ma’am regularly when in public.  Smiles from passersby warm and provide strength to quell doubt.  Yes I harbor doubt but I’m revoking its berthing privileges.

I came out to my next door neighbor last evening.  She was gracious and complimentary.  She smiled and I knew she was genuinely accepting.  She had the presence of mind to ask my name and when I said “Nikki” she smiled and said “Nikki.  I like that much better.”

So my walk turned into a skip as I ran an errand and upon returning exited my vehicle with more resolve and confidence. Life goes on with or without us.  It’s our choice to ride along or watch it pass us by.  Those calendar pages are relentless.

Love and hugs, Nikki

Discovering Yourself

I’m a stream of consciousness woman.  When I feel the emotion I blurt something onto digital paper.  I love to share feelings, presuming many of us are feeling the same.  Maybe I’m the self-proclaimed historian for those who are either too busy or too shy to express.

Positivity ebbs and flows.  Yes I use many tidal references.  In that regard my emotions are fluid, like most.  Disposition can be calm and glassy smooth like my legs after a visit by the epilator.  It can be choppy when a squall moves through my life.  I can also be stormy; rain falling in sheets.

My emotions run the gamut; learning to control them has always been challenging.  There’s no reason to hang this on the hormones.  Nope, I won’t go there.  I’m human like everyone.  Ups and down happen as we undulate through life.  I was emotional my whole life; sometimes crying at the end of a movie with a solid plot and heart rending conclusion (these were previously called ‘chick flicks’).  I cried when my children were born and at times when conventional males were trying to prove themselves above emotional fluctuations.

I’m proud of my weaknesses.  They make me who I am.  I would never allow people’s perceptions to change me; just as you shouldn’t allow it either.  Being unique is an asset to me.  It also distinguishes us like different color flowers in a bouquet.  Wouldn’t it be a shame to create ultimate uniformity?  How boring would life be?

Not an advocate for radical change (I don’t consider discovering and pursuing your true gender as radical change); there are boundaries defined by decorum.  Stretching the limits of acceptability is one thing but riding roughshod over decency is probably not a great idea.

So in conclusion I say “I am feminine, I am woman, I am special and unique, I am transgender and I am making daily contributions to the world.  Life is better because I am!”  Now, say that to yourself.  Go ahead, you can whisper it.  Keep repeating until you believe it. 

Have a wonderful weekend filled with sweet discovery.

Love and hugs, Nikki DiCaro

Breaking the Chains

Drowning in a sea of fear; a scary thought.  Fear is powerful.  Sometimes it carries a warning generating protective activities.  Other times fear freezes thought and action.  Healthy fear has its place.  Destructive fear should never be the purpose for not doing something important to us that is not destructive to others.  We’ve all been there; the place where questioning, doubting and second-guessing overrules strength of character.

Weakness, the first cousin of fear tags along and will pave the way for fear or follow closely in fear’s wake.  Succumbing to those two will immobilize, debilitate, undermine, subvert and ruin our best-laid plans.  After waiting however long for the opportunity to express verbally, emotionally or physically, we recoil.  Standing down we then fret about lost chances.

I’ve been there.  How many times have I gotten myself amped up to do something for myself only to recede. I convinced myself to do something – dress and go out – only to fear that I might be detected, ridiculed or worse.  No I don’t wander into physically dangerous environments.  That’s something I believe I have enough discernment to identify. 

One of the ways to overcome is to break the chain; end the sequence.  Commit to something beneficial and follow through.  Easy for me to say?  Sure, but when I’ve forced myself to carry on I end up chastising for being reticent.  Why?  Because when I execute I liberate and feel both vindicated and fulfilled.  There is an effect, at least for me.  Fear and pullback are whittled to insignificance.  After several months of this practice I think I’m perfecting the process.  Instead of looking at preparing to go out as significant work (showering, moisturizing, shaving – but not so much since hormones – makeup, clothing, handbag – and all of the items that fill it - and shoes, accessories and hair) I convert an outing to a full day affair.  I’ll arrange to go out during the day and allow the day to carry me into an evening event.

Day clothing not appropriate for evening dress?  Carry a fresh skirt and heels, clutch and dressy accessories.  Women have the knack of dressing up or dressing down any outfit with shoes and hairstyle.  Happy to say I’m learning.  I’ve also finally (it’s only taken me two years) invested in quality cosmetics.  My favorites are MAC.  I’ve been out fifteen hours and my makeup looks fresh.  I’ve also graduated from lipstick to lip gloss and sealer – one application ensures all day and night with no touchups.

Sharing tips and tidbits that work for us helps others.  Teachable moments abound.  I appreciate those who are willing to share secrets of success.  Their information encourages and enables me to break through whatever illusory barriers erect in my path.  Brush fear aside; kick weakness to the curb.  It’s time to live the life we are destined to enjoy.

Love and hugs, Nikki DiCaro

Reliability and Friendships

Reliability appears to be something from a bygone era.  Automobile recalls dominate the news while the world financial markets are proving that volatility is not dead.  We’ve become a disposable society.  The resultant fallout will be a sad legacy for the next generations. 

There is one thing that can and should withstand the test of time.  Bonds of friendship and love should be impervious to recalls, volatility and shifting sands of time.  Passage of time should strengthen these connections.  We’ve been down these roads.  Unfortunately some have ended precipitously.  Others faded to black over time; sometimes leaving behind sadness and pain.

We’re not always in control; as much as we would like to think.  If you don’t agree tell me you influenced how you entered the world and whether you were going to experience dysphoria or other things that pointed you in a direction different than the one convention provided.

So what do we do about it?  Do we grieve or do we evaluate and change according to the outcome of considered thought?  There are many ways to express this; some have already been offered.  If any are repeated I don’t believe repetition would be laborious.  Being reminded of the obvious may shake the tree of knowledge encouraging it to shed fruit.

As I transcribe today’s message I think of how different I look outside the trappings of my true self.  In the boy costume I barely recognize myself.  When that happens I fight the urge to rain.  I look to friends.  You’ve all been kind in the way you approach our relationship.  I have many fond memories that turn the threat of tears to smiles of pride.  It’s your strength that gets me past the bramble growing on the fringes of my path.

I’m not sending subliminal messages nor am I sending up flairs of desperation.  Things are excellent on this end; even when unwelcome moments tend to infringe on the reverie of this wonderful life I’ve finally found existed all along.  It was waiting for me to catch up.  My success goes hand in hand with your support, my precious friends.  You’ve all played a role in my birth and maturity.

I trust you will continue to be open about your thoughts, insights and counsel.  These are vital components in the formula of my success.  So let’s continue to be interdependent.  Tell me how I can help and support you and I will take you up on the offer of a tender shoulder and warm hug.

Let’s prove to all onlookers that we have permanence amidst the variability.  We’re solid and strong; enduring whatever adversity may insinuate itself upon us.

Love and hugs, Nikki DiCaro

Lasting Impressions

Impressions last.  People may not express reaction outwardly; not because they are oblivious, because they choose to maintain an air of disinterest.  These impressions can cut for the good or for the bad.  A recent weekend experience at an LGBT-accepting dining establishment (one I’ve frequented as the true female I am and in my boy costume – the owner and the wait staff know and welcome me in either presentation) left an indelible impression on me.  These people have been good to my friends and me and always pleasantly served up a few meals for me us.

I focus on impressions due to an unpleasant occurrence during one of the visits.  A CD patron spotted us walking to a booth towards the second half of the diner.  She (please don’t use male pronouns, even through honest mistake under pain of verbal attack of killer expletives) made her way towards us.  Plopping down in a booth across the aisle she said “Hi.”

We returned the greeting.  Then I made a mistake, I slid to my right and offered her the opportunity to join us for a few minutes.  The visit was more an accosting.  Foul breath made me want to gag; a row of black lower teeth the culprit.  Oral hygiene problems sometimes go unnoticed.  What transpired during this laborious and eventually painful interchange did not go unnoticed and was a vitriolic diatribe about lawsuits, public confrontations and attack mode interactions at every turn in this person’s troubled life.

When I tried to gently encourage her to get on with her evening she decided to overstay her already strained welcome.  The next day I received the other side of the story.  This person was being tolerated by the conventionals.  She insisted on making a scene each time she dined at the establishment.  Her tone was gruff, voice deep and gravely and it carried well throughout the long seating area.  As much as she insisted on being referred to exclusively in the feminine, when she dined with her the son he referred to her in the masculine gender and used the term “dad” in conversation.  Not only did this create confusion for the wait staff and ownership, it also created tension with the other diners. 

As we listened the temperature in the room rose.  I was on the verge of asking her more emphatically to leave.  Maybe she read my body language or my karma was broadcasting negative energy.  After she departed the building (she was no female Elvis impersonator) my dining companion and I looked at each other and drew the same conclusion; her incessant vocal public displays of animus were giving us a collective large and prominent reputational shiner.

We need to exercise vigilance about how we approach matters; including but not limited to how we present to the eye as well as to the ear.  Calling undue attention through shock factor may make you feel good but it badly bruises us.  Also, brandishing the law like a light sabre benefits nobody, except maybe the lawyers financially.

Be watchful for the benefit of our community and for the peace of mind of the public generally.

Love and hugs, Nikki DiCaro

Safe Circles of Trusting Friends

The universe grows and it shrinks.  This past weekend I learned lessons about myself and experienced a breakthrough about my slice of the world.  A scientific analogy kept me awake last evening as most nagging posts in the formative stages do.  I consider my world akin to an atom.  In my nucleus are protons, my inner circle of trusted friends.  These are the small cadre of people in whom I place my deepest of trust, the ones I look to for counseling and course corrections.

My atom grows into a molecule when the nuclei of my close friends are drawn into close proximity.  The protons of these other atoms are the trusted friends of my trusted friends.  We share a common proton across nuclei. 

The terms “Safe” percolated through several prescient conversations.  When you know people respect you for you and want you close to them and you look to each other for emotional enhancement and sometimes strength, encouragement follows.

Further to the science these positively charged confidants power the energy field that creates a layer of separation (a degree if you like) from those who are friends or acquaintances.  I call this next layer the electrons.  They are the ones attracted to the nucleus but are not one of the protons.  This isn’t necessarily bad.  Sometimes keeping distance between yourself and others is the right thing for both parties.  Other times this distance is essential to maintaining a healthy level of strength.  Close personal friends impart knowledge and may deliver an epiphany. As I’ve articulated in previous posts, there is only so much of you and me to go around. 

This only so much molecular weight you can carry.  This is partially a function of time constraints.  Investment of time and energy in establishing and supporting these relationships vary but they are important / essential elements to the nurturing process.  You can’t be all things to all people.  We need to be the utmost (“all that we can be” to borrow a phrase) for ourselves foremost.  Only when we are strong and healing more than hurting, confident more than doubting can we harness the offerings of our protons to solidify these friendships.

If you hear a sucking sound when you are with someone that’s your emotional energy being sapped – a free radical to maintain the scientific discussion.  I’ve experienced this and now keep the valves tightly closed; providing the security combination to a select few. 

Shifting analogies, that’s not to say I don’t sprinkle insights and counsel (for what they are worth) over a broad swath of landscape.  I till and cultivate a small patch of friendship, fertilizing with words of encouragement and compassion.  Outside my little plot it’s up to others to add nutrients to whatever seeds I spread to either water and weed or allow them to lie fallow.

There should be a calm ebb and flow of energy and support that leaves the reservoir of the participants fuller afterwards.  Investment yields results; and I don’t mean investing time collecting without providing consideration in return.

The culmination of the weekend left me feeling wonderfully wanting of considerably more.  I love reruns!

Love and hugs, Nikki DiCaro