Freedom...

Some days begin better than others.  Yes, I know that’s no way to start a morning missive.  The upside is always here, always there and always everywhere.  When things start off less than stellar you need only look beyond yourself to see something better, something uplifting.  Don’t be captive to self-pity, self-doubt or second-guessing.  Bootstrap your day; break whatever cycle has you brow beating yourself.  You deserve better.  Regardless of how gray the day appears, there is sunshine above those clouds.  When you acknowledge the potential you break the cycle; you unshackle yourself.

Let freedom ring, let the melody of freedom’s song inspire every moment of every day.  You are limited only by your trepidations, self-imposed constraints. 

I’m not naïve.  I understand circumstances can add obstacles or barriers.  You have to be creative and self-confident.  Don’t let the sociopathic, narcissistic, selfish, inconsiderate or self-centered forestall happiness.  They should at most be a hindrance.  This is your life.  You have the right and the freedom to live it according to your design.  Smooth over the design flaws (uncontrollable variables) and work around them if you can’t work through them.  Minimizing their impact takes practice and starting the process is challenging.   You don’t roll out of bed one morning and decide: “Today I’m going to run a marathon”.  That is unless you’ve been training.  Conditioning and training get you started.  Endurance at first elusive becomes your friend – underpinning your confidence and providing the boost you need to surmount each obstacle in your path.

Go forth and conquer your fears and trepidations and then pass along your successes.

Love and hugs, Nikki DeCaro

Facial Hair?

Recently I overheard one TG criticizing another TG who, for whatever reason, sported facial hair at a recent event TG event.  Not everyone can look like we would like.  And what’s with judgementalism?  Have we become remorseless?  Didn’t we recently rail against inequalities, discrimination and prejudice in and by a midwestern state that begins with an “I”?  Are we experiencing memory lapses?  Maybe it’s the hormones.  Did we discover perfection?  Or is it something in the water?

Remember, there but for the grace of God… we should be thankful for what we have especially when we encounter someone who has limitations or restrictions that may impact their ability to present in a way that is… dare I say… conventional.  I’m no expert in this area but I do know that transgender crosses social and religious lines.  Some religions require retention of facial hair.  Yes you can adhere to your religion and also be unconventional.  For others, the explanation can be as simple as loving their spouse and complying with a request when absence of facial hair could cast a shadow over the relationship.

I hope we can dial up the understanding and eviscerate the ridicule.  The term ‘ridiculous’ has been overused and mostly in the wrong context.  Ridiculous means full of ridicule.  Remember, we want to be understood and accepted.  You get what you give and ill feelings reflect badly on all of us.

Have an unridiculous day; be filled with love and understanding!

Love and hugs, Nikki DeCaro

Phenomenon

Pumps Day, another middle of the week marvel, enough to make you want to slip into strappy heeled wedges and celebrate both the progress of the week and the continuing spring weather.

With spring comes another phenomenon.  No not John Travolta.  I refer to allergies.  Coughing and wheezing that I expected to end with the thaw has morphed into a different version.  Same refrain, different results.

“Dear Nikkster, why the notable inclusion?”

The more things change, the more they stay the same.  When you thought (well I thought) relief was in sight, it’s ushered in by the fine coating of pollen accompanying the blossoming of flowers and trees.  Not only do we enjoy the opportunity to see how nature bestows her bounty pervasively, we also get to dip into the wallet to purchase one of the plethora of symptom-reducing drugs.

You also have the pleasure of investing in car washes.  Don’t you wish your car could change colors as the seasons change in order to hide the byproduct of each season?  Dark colored vehicles display an eerie shade of mustard yellow.  It’s everywhere and relentless.  If cash stuck to my wallet like the fine dust of spring adheres to every surface, I might be a wealthy lady.

No sense fretting over the uncontrollable. Smile and move on.  Oh, and don’t forget the tissues, you’re going to need them!

Love and hugs, Nikki DeCaro 

Time Funs When You're Having.....

Ten seconds, ten minutes, ten hours, ten days or ten years; time passes and it feels like life is an ever-accelerating vehicle hurtling us through periods that sometimes feel like a blur.

Leaving a mark, something indelible is difficult.  Not because we are unable to create influence; but because memories fade.  Monuments stand to many heroes.  History books carry the account of some.  Other minor heroes are cast in the memories only.  After a time [some memories last longer than others] the importance of a contribution, no matter how significant, becomes another relic of a bygone era.

My point, before the moderator asks, is that no matter how big, rich, important or larger than life someone might be, their memory is only as strong as the seeds they plant in the hearts and minds of those who love them.

Names on buildings, logos sporting founders’ names, etc. fade.  It’s not how bright your star shines on the Hollywood walk of fame.  At the end of [insert your word or phrase here], if you have truly touched the life of one or more you will be remembered for the personal contribution you’ve made.  

If you influence one or more persons to achieve something meaningful, to carry your legacy and pass it on, your influence will transcend individual life spans and become a common thread through future generations.

Go ahead, do something great today.  Influence someone in a positive way.

Love and hugs, Nikki DeCaro

Planning and Press 1 for ......

Planning is sometimes a futile exercise.  I know, don’t talk about physical exertion early in the morning.  I suffer the same fate – pulling myself out of bed on a dark, rainy and chilly day.  This day is for ducks, fish and other waterfowl.  Working at home, remotely, telecommuting or phoning it in never sounded better.

Speaking of phoning it in, if you were to create an interactive voice response system (you know those systems that typically begin with “push one for English” and so forth) for yourself, one that would give people a choice of how they wanted to interact with you, how would you construct at least the first three prompts?

I think it would be an interesting research project enable people to be able to choose which “me” they wanted to talk with. This system could enable me to control my interactions.  Let’s try it.

Press 1 if you would like to hear about my commute to work

Press 2 if you would like to hear me say “good morning”

Press 3 if you would like to hear me complain about the traffic

Press 4 if you would like me to tell you I’m busy

Press 5… well you get the idea.  It would be like texting except you would have preprogrammed responses.

Sounds too automatic, too impersonal?  I agree, so what’s my point?  Controlling the amount of interaction does not always breed efficiency.  We put up with it in the business world with sculpted customer service.  Did you like that word “sculpted”?  Having someone decide what you have for choices isn’t egalitarian.  In fact, it raises questions, including: how do ‘they’ know what I want to hear?  And why are these choices tailored to manage or control the extent of my interaction?

We probably need a Press 0 if you want to talk with me directly.  The “0” is my favorite number pad option.  I bang on that baby until a live voice picks up the call.  Feels good to be able to ask a question without trying to fit the question into the ‘canned’ responses some customer service sculptor decided were best for the organization.

What’s best for the organization is not always best for the constituencies it serves.  Similarly, limited engagement is a euphemism for a skirmish (if you’re a military buff) and also for ‘I don’t have time for more than superficial responses’.

We are a civilization built upon interactions, engagement, empathy and sympathy.  When feelings are ‘engaged’ we become personally involved in a situation.  We don’t live on sound bytes (or is it ‘bites’) that spin things in the direction others want us to travel.

Let’s not allow ourselves to be pigeonholed, directed, to become blind followers.  Each voice is individual, unique and important.  Be a unique voice.  Don’t allow efficiency to disable your ability to be effective in the pursuit of your goals.

Stay dry and remember to Press “0” to talk to a live operator.

Love and hugs, Nikki DeCaro 

Looking and Finding!

Have you found what you’re looking for?  Someone asked me the following: “Why is it that you always find what you’re looking for in the last place you look?”  My expression formed into a question as I tried to compose an appropriate response.  Tongue in cheek I feigned deep thought. Finally, after dialing back the beginning of a wise crack I responded.  “Do you think it would benefit if you continued to look for the discovered item after you’ve found it?”

“Okay Nikki, why is this relevant?”

You always ask the tough questions.  I heard Bono sing “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.”

Have you found what you are seeking?  You know the relevance of the question.  What you are looking for is closer than you think.  I’ve been there.  I was one of those who kept looking after I unknowingly found what I sought.  That’s right, none are exempt from futility even when the obvious is so close we can touch it.

Define what you seek.  If you can’t explain it you’ll never find it.

Sales clerk: can I help you? [an engaging smile]

Me: [pregnant pause] yes. [another pause] I’m looking for something

Sales clerk: [tries not to give the roll of the eyes and stifles a snicker]

Me: it’s the thing that fits inside the other gizmo. [I’m feeling like I should find a hole to crawl into]

Sales clerk: can you tell me more about this thing? [she’s trying not to mock me]

Me: [I swear she wants to place her thumb and forefinger on her forehead in the shape of an “L”] It’s black, no wait it’s blue.  Yes it’s long, blue and kinda thin and has bristles on it. [If I were her I’d suggest a porcupine]

Sales clerk: That might be in our hardware section. [she begins to walk turning her head to make sure I’m following]

I left the hardware store without my purchase.  It turns out I didn’t need that “thing” anyway because I found a perfect substitute at home.

“Okay Nikki, let me ask again and this time I’ll talk slower; what is this about?”

My story may not be the perfect corollary [facilitator rolls her eyes as she screws her index finger into her temple]. I went searching for something that wasn’t something I needed.  I had what I needed all the time.  I failed to look within the vicinity. 

I went through the searching exercise for years until I dug through all of the emotional and physical layers.  I found the person I am today.  She was buried under layers of convention and unrefined personage.  Like a diver passing through various depths en route to the surface I realized I had to go slow unless I wanted to hurt myself.

I’ve finally surfaced and am beginning the swim to shore.  The ocean is beautiful and calm; a few whitecaps accompany my journey.

Find yourself and begin your journey.  Look within for the beating heart and the beautiful glow that needs to see the light of day.  Nobody can find you except you.  Once you surface open yourself to friendships of likeminded people.

See you on shore.  Maybe we can share a plush towel and a splash of suntan lotion.

Love and hugs, Nikki DeCaro 

Bar Codes and the Dewey Decimal System

Who said we have to wear labels?  Who decided that I fit into a neatly framed line of text that allows people to categorize me?  Am I a cereal box, a library book?  Or better yet, am I perishable item that should wear a Universal Product Code? What’s next, the Dewey Decimal System?  Maybe it would be easier to slap a barcode on my forehead; scan me in order to determine if I belong.

Yes, even the ebullient have our moments.  There’s nothing wrong with a little emotional expression; it’s part of our humanity.  Yes, I said we are human although some factions would argue otherwise.  Here’s the kicker; the mean reversion; the equalizer.  People can be high and mighty; holier than thou; above the pedestrian and perfectly content that all the world should be measured against their standard.

Until, wait for it, their personal experience places them in a situation where change of philosophical or psychological venue is required.

Suddenly knocked down a few rungs on the ladder of life, the ‘it could never happen to me’ or better yet ‘how could anybody be like that’ constituency is turned on its head.

You know it happens all the time. Not as quickly as we would like.  And certainly we would not wish negativity or ill will on anyone.  Yet life has a way of converting the rigid, the unconditional, the stubborn and the uncooperative and turning it to pliable, conditional, understanding and cooperative.

Following on yesterday’s post, patience is our friend, our ally, our confidant and “the equalizer”.

Fret not my feline friends.  Setbacks are only temporary.  The light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming train.

Time to think positive thoughts.  Thursday is for throwing back.  Jettison all the equivocation.  Get your cute little tush off the picket fence and join your sisters on the green and verdant side – the field of dreams that grow into realities.  Time is precious and it is on our side.  Every passing day brings the possibility for improvement. Measure not by leaps and bounds but by steps; one foot in front of the other.  Moving too quickly could cause you to stretch your supply lines thin, to be separated from your support network.  If you feel frazzled, slow down and remember to breathe, absorb and process.  Getting ahead of ourselves will force us to eventually slow or stop to allow ourselves to catch up and regather before continuing.

Remember to be yourself, enjoy yourself and love yourself.  Wishing you were someone else, even if the technology existed to enable it, would not guarantee the happiness and contentment you seem to believe is resident in that ‘other being’.

You are who you are for a reason.  There are people depending upon you to be you… including yourself! 

Have a wonderful Thursday.

Love and hugs, Nikki DeCaro