Capitalizing on Adversity

Some days start hectic and stay that way. Other days begin slowly and end frenetically.  Today started hectic and ended with a long and considered discussion with one of my senior scientists.  When I talk with someone with different professional focus, less seasoned life experiences and the casual openness to share thoughts and ideas without compunction I experience an epiphany of sorts.  This was one of those times.

In the presence of a person, an intelligent person who doesn’t yet realize how smart he is, or if he does, refuses to wear such on his sleeve, I am humbled. The interchange of ideas, the willingness to give and receive, can be revealing in the most educational ways.  I am thankful for these opportunities and the capability to recognize and appreciate the smarts freely offered.

Capitalizing on learning experiences, teachable moments, can be overwhelming.  Openness is vital to absorption of ideas lest we squander.  These moments occur all around us at various and sometimes unexpected situations.  Allow yourself to consume the offering of knowledge, even when it feels like you don’t want to engage.  Yes, I know teachable moments can be preceded by unease.  We’ve all been there at least once.

You discover something that surprises you.  Or does it shock you?  How do you react?  Do you recede?  Do you refuse to recognize the glimmer of knowledge?  Why?  Everything is life has the potential to edify us.  It may not be the opportune time for us.  Is there ever an opportune time?

Take a deep breath, summon intestinal fortitude.  You can do it.  You can take whatever the moment offers and capitalize on it.  Add it to your stores of strength.  Next time you run across a similar situation you will be in better shape to weather any unpleasantness.  This is called experiential learning.  Not all education comes from textbooks or the Internet.  Real life touches teach more effectively than passive engagement, at least for me.  No I don’t seek unpleasantness to harden my exterior.  I attempt to maneuver around it.  Sometimes tough situations are unavoidable.  Isn’t it better to have the ability to deal without being cut deeply?  You don’t always have to win.  Living to enjoy another day is a goal and it supports my life plan.

Once you engage in your life plan there should be nothing that derails your efforts.  Those pioneers who precede us prove their mettle and become examples of overcoming adversity and learning from each encounter.

Turn adversity to our advantage is rewarding and strengthening.  The easier moments will become more enjoyable and thoroughly fulfilling because you endured and emerged a better person.

Love and hugs, Nikki DiCaro

Decisive Actions

Sometimes even upscale restaurants can present challenges.  I know, the pedigree of an establishment does not guarantee anything except the prices next to the menu items.

Saturday evening last found us en route to the Fels Point neighborhood of Baltimore.  Our original destination was a Chinese restaurant.  After shoe horning the vehicle into a parking space we disembarked and strolled towards the eatery.   We stopped to browse the wares of a boutique before continuing towards the restaurant.

We were stunned to find the destination closed.  It hadn’t been providing meals for some time.  Regrouping we decided to walk towards the water.  The evening was comfortable; a light breeze caressing us as we walked.

Stopping at a Greek restaurant, Ouzo Bay, we entered and were greeted warmly by the hostess.  Deciding on outdoor seating the quintet followed the hostess to a sofa pairing facing each other separated by two knee height square tables. Our server delivered water and then the drink order. 

I was seated furthest from the circulation aisle.  My significant other and another friend were seated to my left.  Two others sat across from us.  Conversation was light and smiles radiated from all. 

After appetizers, dinner was delivered.  The fare was delicious and we shared tastes among the group.  Towards the end of the main course three of my friends excused themselves.  I continued conversing with my friend across the tables.  Several minutes later the trio returned followed shortly thereafter by the manager.

He was a nervous sort, thanking us for our patronage.  He rambled on.  I was curious about his lack of composure, oblivious to the reason, which I will disclose shortly.  He rambled on, extolling the virtues of the establishment.  A full sampling tray of desserts were delivered and we shared over coffee.  The manager returned with a full round of after dinner drinks, encouraging us to continue to enjoy the hospitality.

Several minutes later, full and content, handbags opened and wallets emerged.  Cash was extracted.  “Where’s the bill?”  The answer set me back.  The manager picked up the full tab, appetizers, main course, desserts and after dinner drinks.

“Why?” I asked innocently.  My significant other whispered, “I’ll tell you when we get outside.”

Once on the sidewalk I learned the food runner was mocking me, making fun of me.  It was my voice.  It was bad enough he was mocking me and laughing in front of my friends.  He was making derogatory comments to another server.  My friends observed it and approached the manager in a non-confrontational way.  The manager was shocked and informed that their establishment is welcoming to all.  They have no tolerance for discrimination.  To make reparations he picked up the full meal tab.  He also informed that the runner was chastised and released from employment.  The server who was enjoying a laugh at my expense was reprimanded.

My three friends came to my defense in a powerful and rapid way.  I had no idea what was going on.  The swift and decisive protective response to the discrimination brought tears to my eyes.  To have wonderful friends who protect and defend are priceless.  Is there a better way to show deep and abiding respect and love?

One day we’ll return to Ouzo Bay and test the veracity of the manager’s statements.

Love and hugs, Nikki DiCaro

True Friends and Tears of Joy

Time flies when we are enjoying the company of friends both established and new.  Five days in the Baltimore area brought increasing levels of fun and contentment.  True friendship is deep and enduring, unlike surface beauty that can be fabricated with the right combinations of cosmetics.  True beauty radiates from the soul; filling hearts with love and kindness.  That’s the most recent five days I experienced with established and new friends.

Caring isn’t difficult to deliver.  In fact, empathy and sympathy are important ingredients for the complete emotional person.  There’s no room for callousness, dismissiveness or feelings that express inhumanity.  Yes we’ve all experienced those who self-justify actions that we find offensive, deplorable or downright mean.

Being the object of destructive humor is a sad reality of this self-absorbed society.  Let me take a selfie or worse, let me use the camera in my phone to record someone’s actions without their knowledge.  Oh, and for fun I’ll share it with my friends for a good laugh or post it on a social media site.  That’s going to be so much fun!  This is wrong for so many reasons.  Invasion of privacy, intrusion upon personal space, betraying someone you look in the eye and call ‘friend’ or ‘colleague’.  Where will it end?

It doesn’t have to be propagated.  It can end with us.  There are ways to express displeasure with such actions and if the perpetrator doesn’t understand, then that person will be cast to the nether regions of our world.

All this to say you know who you can trust and who must be kept at arms’ length.  Even when you discover a friend has done something untoward, betrayed a trust or violated what you considered inviolate, you try to understand.  Sometimes you can explain it away as ‘it’s the way they are’.  Other times ‘the way they are’ can be forgiven if there is an apology and the best type of contrition – never repeating what should never have been done in the first place.  Then there’s the angst of pulling that person’s thread from the fabric of your life.  It hurts but extraction may be the only solution to the problem.

I love my friends, the ones to whom I can hand my heart and know when it returns it will be fuller and more healthy than when I relinquished it.  That was what I experienced this weekend.  I cried a few times; just as I’m doing now.  The tears of joy bolster me.  Sounds funny, huh?  But it’s true.  I express emotion in ways that some may find odd.  Well, I never considered myself to be mainstream; a little off kilter at times but true and loyal. 

Have a wonderful day and hug a true friend today.  They may be taken aback by your actions but they will embrace you and both will feel something amazing pass between you.

Love and hugs, Nikki DiCaro

Private Disclosures and Well-Being

The day after the private disclosure of my “little secret” was pleasant and comfortable.  I brought my colleague Cover Girl Outlast lip gloss and sealer.  She was thrilled and showed me the product applied.  “I’m liking the color; subtle but there.”  She smiled a genuinely warm and inviting smile.  The wonder of youth still twinkled in her eyes.  Other than that exchange, which I labeled “sister to sister”, she acted as if I was the same person prior to my disclosure.

In the aftermath she wasn’t weirded or wigged out.  When things go well they go very well.  As I indicated in prior posts, trust is a huge intangible – life’s version of goodwill.  Lack thereof is an enormous sinkhole.  Settling into the day I felt more connected to my position than I had before yesterday.  I began to wonder how that could be possible.  I felt like I had been woven into the fabric of the organization.  Somehow the incorporation deepened.

The next hurdle is on the immediate horizon – like tomorrow!  Because of the machinations the board of directors will be generating in the coming month it is incumbent upon me to talk to the chairman.  No I don’t have a death wish. I must disclose to him privately because one of the options they are considering includes me. How would the whole trust thing work if I withheld vital information – evidence - and they decided to lean in my direction?  How warm and fuzzy would that feel?  Betrayal is not in my nature.  I’d struggle emotionally until something untoward occurred.  I’d be ripped from the fabric of the organization faster than a seamstress could tear out a hem.  There is little worse than being summarily dismissed without compunction or compassion.  Yes I know I have rights but they are useless in the onslaught of infidelity.

Why must I disclose?  Why not retain the secret and live the duality?  It hasn’t killed me yet, right?  Well transitioning from Wonder Woman to Clark Kent (yes I know WW’s mild mannered cover is Diana Prince) is like death by a million file folder paper cuts.  That’s the first concern.  The second is what if I am rewarded for my loyalty and afforded the royal treatment and then come out?  Wouldn’t that be ducky!  This is not something you can say “came over me suddenly” or “my bad” and expect to receive a free pass.  Nobody in their right mind would buy the obfuscation.

So tomorrow afternoon I trek south to the next milepost.  I’m nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.  Tonight will be another restless attempt at sleep.  But hey, the matter will be settled twenty-four hours hence and then the planning will commence.

I was warned that once I received a taste, a real taste, of femininity in the public eye and began to feel comfortable with myself the need to present more and more frequently would impose itself on my previously ordered world.  Well lovelies, in my case truer words have never been spoken.  This is like salt and vinegar flavored potato chips, Oreo cookies, M&Ms and countless other addictive goodies.

Wish me God Speed or whatever well wish you are willing to offer.  I’ll report the outcome.  And no matter the result, my conscience will be clear and I will retain a friend and mentor.

Love and hugs, Nikki DiCaro

Faith and Human Nature

Faith in human nature sometimes is surprising in unacceptable ways.  When that happens, we are shocked and stunned and also disappointed by what transpired compared to what we expected.

Then there are the times when nerves, concern, consternation and anxiety are dispelled by well-placed trust.  Such experiences have been the mainstay of my communications with family, neighbors and a highly placed and valued employee.  I reached a major decision junction on my path.  After I revealed my femininity to my daughter I decided to move a little further along the high road.  I disclosed to my next door neighbor over the weekend.  That went better than I expected. She was gracious, complimentary and encouraging.

Next milepost, coming out to one of my trusted employees who is also my strategic planning leader; a young, ambitious and very bright (brighter than she realizes) professional.  She hugged me and congratulated me.  She continued to praise my decision including saying she is proud of my accomplishment.  I shared pictures and her words were flattering and supportive.  We even discussed skin care, makeup and lipgloss (being a woman definitely has benefits).

The next stop is to meet with the big boss and see how that goes.  Because of critical events on the company’s horizon for the next month, most of which involve me and my position of responsibility, I feel the need to disclose to ensure he and the board have all relevant information as they approach a monumental decision for our organization. My relationship with him is built upon the bedrock of fidelity and trust.  Revealing now is critical to maintaining the integrity of our relationship.

Presuming that goes well my timetable for full-time womanhood will loom largely on my sunny and cloudless horizon.

The journey has been long, more years than I choose to count.  Once I found my support network, my friends, my inner circle of trusted and loyal confidants, counselors and mentors, life’s road seemed to straighten, smooth and blossom with verdant landscaping.

I’m no Polly Anna, I know there are realities that will intrude upon my reverie.  That is certain regardless of my path, my gender identity and my career pursuits and successes.  I am girding for them with the strength of conviction, determination and the full faith and support of my friends, professional allies and the portions of the family who choose to see that I am me; the same me who has always been there for them no matter what the condition or circumstances.

I hope to be a role model, joining the other wonderful role models in our community.  I desire nothing more than peace, success and enjoyment for all who walk our path.

Love and hugs, Nikki DiCaro